HEMORRHOIDS AND A COLONOSCOPY
I went to the doctor with swollen hemorrhoids, you see,
They had been bleedin' and painin' and annoyin' the heck out of me;
The doctor took a look and with his finger checked 'em out,
He said, "Yes, you have hemorrhoids that bleed, of that there's no doubt."
I said, "Doc, that's the reason that I came to see you today,
Maybe you could give me a little somethin' to make them go away."
The good doctor said, "Yes, another exam I'm going to have to do,
To be sure it's not something worse, -a colonoscopy I'll do on you."
"A colonoscopy? Now, just what th' heck is that? And what does it mean?"
He said, "I need to look inside your colon and whatever else might be
seen.
The nurse will explain it all so step across the hall to her office if you
will."
I did as the doctor said, and sat in the nurse's office very quiet and
still.
Then, she came in, "How do you do, Mr. Jones. My name is Nurse Shat.
I'll explain to you how to prepare for your colonoscopy with this and
that.
First, stop taking this list of medicines seven days before the test;
And stop taking any blood thinners; these instructions state it best."
She gave me a sheet of paper that explained just how to prepare:
"A clear liquid diet, no solid food or milk." I read it with a stare;
"For 24 hours preceding, nothing red, purple or green," it said;
"Then, you have to drink a gallon of Go-Lytely," the instructions further
read.
"Now, folks, Go-Lytely is a laxative; you start at five and finish by
eight,
And let me tell you, to your commode you don't want to arrive too late!
That stuff cleans your guts out clear up to the wax in your ears;
You'll wish you never complained as the examination time nears."
"They put a drip in your arm to sedate you while they do the exam;
And you drift out to wonderland where you no longer give a damn;
The goodly doctor sticks a camera on a flexible tube up your rear,
And works it up to your appendix to make sure that all is clear.
Since the colon is somewhat folded, you'll never guess what they do:
They inflate your intestines with air and take pictures inside of you!
They say it's uncomfortable, and you won't remember what they did,
But in the end all of this my bleedin' hemorrhoids it did not rid.
So when I went back home, I went directly to a local drug store,
And bought Preparation H, Benafiber, Dulcolax and even more;
I went to the super market and bought Activia and soft tasty food,
And ever since people say, "My, how that colonoscopy changed your mood!"
Science has advanced and more accurate are medical diagnoses,
We have a pill for every ill and more exams for most any disease,
But we live for doctors' appointments as our Golden Years begin to fade,
And just hope to live long enough so we our medical bills can get paid!
-anonymous
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